I haven't been able to get to sleep very easily the last few nights, what with all of my thoughts swirling around constantly, so hopefully this will ease my mind...
We have a plan. Nate has a job. The only bad part about it, we're going backwards. We're going back to Rexburg so Nate can work at Lone Pine Nursery and we'll live with his parents. On paper it looks like a fine idea, but I still just feel unsettled about it, like this isn't what we should be doing. I go though stages, I talk to Nate about it and its all good, but then I think about all of the ramifications and I seriously get depressed. I've never been like this, up and then down, then up and down. I'm usually a very happy person, not one to mope around. Nate did get into SUU, but we need to find out about getting in-state tuition because if that doesn't happen, SUU doesn't happen. Realistically, it would be so stupid if we don't get in-state tuition because I freaking grew up in this state and only left to go to school. We think we can get tuition, but we won't be able to find out for sure for who knows how long. We also hit another road block when we found out that Nate has to take 2 more classes to start the Accounting program, and 3 to do the double masters. So dumb, why didn't anyone tell us? He'll be doing those online through BYU-I. Nate has been saying that hind sight is 20 20, but if we had known about these classes we could have stayed in our little apartment in Rexburg and Nate would still be getting paid to go to school. In my ideal world, we would still move to Cedar City, Nate would find a temporary job until school starts and we would have our own place (in a TRULY idyllic world it would be the scholarship housing SUU offers students, free rent of our own place would be amazing!) and stay there for over a year, a feat we have yet to accomplish in the nearly three years we've been married. To get really personal, the thing that has really been tugging at me is my intense desire to have another baby. I'm getting emotional just typing these words. Even if nothing works out the way I want, I just want to have my own space to have my own family's life back again. I'm just so tired of wandering, of wondering, and of wishing. (I promise I didn't plan on that to be alliteration, those words just describe my life right now.)
Collecting Glitter
8 years ago
4 comments:
Hi Erin,
I know we never really got to know each other very well, but I do check your blog from time to time. We are in a similar situation and after reading this I couldn't help but leave a comment. My first thought was, you should just move to Cedar City and things will work out, but then I know how I reason through things and how I would be thinking in this situation, "but what if it doesn't work out, shouldn't I be grateful he found a job and we can live with his parents...I'm so ungrateful...I just need to be patient" :) Its such a difficult transition sometimes. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and that I am sorry you have to deal with this. If you ever want to chat about our similar circumstances, my email is tanzenbren gmail
Erin, I know you're stressed out to the max. But whatever is the right thing to do is the right thing to do even if it isn't easy or ideal. I can understand your feelings about having another baby and again if it's the right time then have another baby even if everything isn't perfect. Things have a way of working themselves out. And if you do come back to Rexburg, I'll make it better by being your devoted walking buddy!
hey Erin. in-between stages are tough. I know it may not look like it, but our situations are somewhat similar. We're living with my parents, which I am so incredibly thankful for, but we're anxious to have a place of our own--but it just doesn't make financial sense to do it yet. I totally have baby fever but it would be unrealistic to consider getting pregnant in the middle of nursing school. this is a tough spot. you'll get through it, it's not going to last forever, no matter how much it might feel like it.
I hear you on the last part. That would be (and is) my struggle. One reason I don't blog about my emotions with babies is because it is TOO hard.
I'm sorry if you feel you are in limbo. I'm sure I would feel that way. I don't think I have any advice to give you, but I am thinking of you. If you need a place to stay, you're welcome here! (As if Nate's parents house is smaller than our apartment...)
Love you!
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