Journaling

So I'm not the greatest journal writer. And when I say "not the greatest" what I really mean is "I never write in my journal." I feel slightly overwhelmed when it comes to journals, like I need to record every minute of every day. I have this blog, which obviously records some family events and some of my emotions, but lets be honest, I'm not going to blog about everything that goes on in my head. I've always worn my heart right on my sleeve and haven't been afraid of letting people know how I'm feeling, but I typically keep my deep feelings in. They're nothing fantastically interesting, just things people don't necessarily need to know about.
I had an eye opening experience at my mom's this last week. She was searching through her nightstand looking for her Disneyland Pass (yes, my mom AND sister both have Disneyland passes, and we don't. How dumb is that.). She found it but she also found her old journals. It was SO interesting to read through them. She was my age when she wrote them. It was fun for me to picture her with her long (occasionally permed. Excuse her, it was the 80's) red hair pouring out her soul into these journals. What I loved about them is she didn't document every single activity they had done that day, and some of the entries were only a few sentences long. It was her space to record her feelings. And really, in 20 years from now, no one is going to care the we went to the park or used sidewalk chalk today.
As we were sitting there on her bedroom floor reading some of the entries my mom says, "This is so weird. Its like I'm reading someone else's life, not mine." Then I said, "Its like I'm reading MY life!" And it really was. She had a lot of the same emotions. So it hit me that I need to start documenting my feelings as I go through my motherhood experiences so one day it will help my daughters. I can't dwell on the fact that I've missed so much already, but I'm going to do better and hope that one day my daughters will gain strength knowing that all mother's have close to the same emotions. Happy and sad. Joy and frustration. Fears and triumphs. Stress and calm. Everything.
So I started my new journal last night. It started off with an apology to my two daughters, and any future children. But then I recorded the emotions I remember feeling when I had Rachael. Tonight its Whitney's turn.

*Funny entry: My mom found a piece of paper in one of the journals that said something to the effect of, "Remember Allen? He just left on vacation and I don't think he'll call me when he gets back. I guess things just won't work out." Bahaha looks like things did work out. 30 years and going strong!*